I am your Russian pussy – you remember my nickname?

SUBJECT HEADING RATING: 9.8

MESSAGE RATING: 4.9

Thanks to “Uliya” for this one.  Uliya personally writes to me: “Hello my good – I had a dream and you were in it, this dream.  I’ll never forget because you are embodied in him all my secret desires! Waiting, write me!” Uliya, I thought I embodied your desires, not “him.”  Plus, I’ve never been referred to by my lovers as “my good.”

And no, Uliya, I don’t remember your nickname.  “Russian pussy” perhaps?

Welcome to the zwbathcfidz group

SUBJECT HEADING RATING: 3.3

MESSAGE RATING: 9.5

Sorry for the layoff, folks.  I have a feeling that the spam Gods knew I was doing this so they quit sending me funny spam.  Well, anyway, this one here is pretty hilarious.  Somebody by the name of “zwbathcfidz” writes about a Yahoo! Group that I should join (it starts off straightforwardly):

Hello,

I’ve added you to my zwbathcfidz group at Yahoo! Groups, a free,
easy-to-use service. Yahoo! Groups makes it easy to send and receive
group messages, coordinate events, share photos and files, and more.

Thanks but no thanks, zwbathcfidz.  By the way, nice name.  You know that stupid Facebook application that’s going around grading your parents on their creativity in choosing a name for their baby?  Well, oddly enough, zwbathcfidz was #102 in 1968, roughly comparable to “Max” in 2007.  Who knew.

Anyway, the reason this message is so funny is because of the description of the group.  If anybody can make heads or tails out of this, please let me know:

Description of the group:
————————————————————————
viwZsDJbfYKxGprbGlcMtNsmNaDYJhLgDJOhlbfnTmgzEbpNNYrjYgKReNiFCrUpY\
OHdYdfboTMiZKIxkdRpPdDfGgimHZXfLatDpJDGytZkzrsvecWTAGTrAHaHJgOPbU\
vvQVwqGnnvLZpWExbJNQAQXQdFpPpKaXiukQEuTfYEsJtnSPBB

Who wouldn’t wanna join this group with an alluring description like that?

I find humor in everything!

SUBJECT HEADING RATING: 5.5

MESSAGE RATING: 5.9

Thanks to “Melanie Jones” for this one!  When I’m looking for a lover online, I look for women with a sense of humor.  But a woman who finds “humor in everything”?  That’s a bit much.

Imaginary dialogue with Melanie –

Me: Adolf Hitler wore boots made out of the flesh of aborted fetuses just to piss off his enemies.

Melanie: Haha.  Hitler was a funny guy!

For some reason, I don’t think this is gonna work out  Sure, she’s a “goof ball.”  She also likes sports.  Clearly, she’s the “keeper” she claims to be.  Here’s her entire message:

Hi there!  I’m Melanie and I”m looking for a man that isn’t too serious and know when to laugh at himself!  It’s OK to be a goof ball!  I am. :O)
Oh, and did I mention I like sports!  YEP!  I’m a keeper!

Send me a Hello!

hey there

SUBJECT HEADING RATING: 0.5

MESSAGE RATING: 5.9

Thanks to “Miranda McLean” for this one.  This one makes no sense at all.  Apparently Miranda has never heard or spell-check.  But she sure seems to have S&M literary tastes.  Perfect for hawking illegal prescriptions online

Israela Quality Meediies – Xannies an Vicos

www.leftmeds.com.

Leonaa His feet were now bound. Two of his captors sat on the forward seat, Brandiea wiped his forehead, and, absently, the inner rim of his hat. Perhaps the

C’mon mutha-faka

SUBJECT HEADING RATING: 8.5

MESSAGE RATING: 1.6

Thanks to somebody named “Jaleesa Hebqzuau” for this one.  The subject heading is priceless.  I totally want to buy this product, especially when I’m called a “mutha-faka”  I also love how they’ve chosen a new word for pill.  First, it was the archaic “pilule.”  Now, it’s “bolus” (a real word: look it up).

News – September 2009

These boluses are ideal, when all-night strength and vigor are required! Try it and you’ll never regret about the money you paid. (by the way, in our webstore you won’t pay fortune, just a fair price instead). Come in!

hookup with hot teen girls

SUBJECT HEADING RATING: 0.4

MESSAGE RATING: 6.1

Thanks to the shady-ass people at “Date Teens” for this one.  I’m posting this because of the redundancy in the message.  The scribe of this spam writes, “These 18 and 19 year olds are sick and tired of the younger guys their age. They want to meet, older and more sophisticated MEN!”  I want to know how one can be “younger” and “their age” at the same time.  I won’t post the rest of the message or the links that were sent with this one because I don’t want any extra traffic going to their degrading website.

Screw real lonely singles tonight

SUBJECT HEADING RATING: 8.0

MESSAGE RATING: 1.1

Thanks to the young online upstart “HornyMatches” (whose domain name is “foofudge.com!”) for this piece of spam.  This one is great because the subject heading is so pathetic.  It’s not inviting you to “screw” “singles tonight,” but “real lonely” ones.  How enticing!  Here’s the text of the message:

Need some lovin’?
Meet hot women who want discreet encounters!

Find a sex-date now!

http://2966123.perpermakeres.com/c.php?aid=106&lid=3481

Your banging will go failure-free

SUBJECT HEADING RATING: 6.8

MESSAGE RATING: 0.8

Thanks to “Flyboy Dave 2001” (!!!) for this one.  The subject heading is pretty funny because nobody I’ve ever met ever has referred to their sex life as “banging.”  Hey [first name here], has you’re banging?  Who says that?  The message is pretty pointless, and there’s not even a link: “This week Male Function improvers cost much less! Catch discounts and be her hero!”

He agreed

SUBJECT HEADING RATING: 1.1

MESSAGE RATING: 8.2

Thanks to “Ouida Pilotti” for this wonderful spam.  She writes:

Like to protect your love-gun from failures?

Easy as damn it! One pilule from our store is a full protection of such kind, plus you get more pleasure and give more pleasure also!

You will Never have your face turned red of shame. Buy a ticket to success.

Learn More >>
First off, nice Kiss reference.  Second, it has my probably my favorite sentence ever (“Easy as damn it!” — What does that even mean?).  I’m sure every Grammar Nazi will have a field day with this entire message (“You will never have your face turned red of shame.” ????).  Comedy Gold!

Scene with real death

SUBJECT HEADING RATING: 9.5

MESSAGE RATING: 4.8

Thanks to the spammer “Wilma Uysylin” for this one.  I love subject headings that play to our basest needs.  We all want to see a snuff film.  So, let’s open the spam and find an ad for: anti-aging pills?  Here’s the text:

Tell a friend | Subscribe | Archive | Ask an expert August 31, 2009 Have you become an elephant with a “trunk” pointed down? Whatever the cause is: aging, stressful life or something else, our pilule can give you a due boost. This product has more thankful testimonials that any others. Try now and I swear you will want to write us about your own success! » Follow this link

The elephant trunk thing opens up the possibility of boner juice.  But it’s funny that an ad promising vitality in one’s senior years would have a subject heading as morbid as the one above.